Anger The Blame Game

 When you believe you are looking out a window and realize that you have been looking in a mirror the realization is shocking, embarrassing, humiliating and humbling to say the least.    WE like to believe that we do not create our own enemies.     That the “other” is really a mean spirited person, rude, hurtful and that life has been unfair to us.     To own our Otherness is a major jump in our self awareness.  

It is such hard work to discover our projections.    To own the traits, attitudes, feelings or behaviors which belong to us but that we do not experience as our own.    WE are often unaware that when we feel we are being rejected by others we are in fact rejecting others and keeping them at a distance.    Our discomfort with closeness forces us to cope by keeping our safe distance.     
So, what does this have to do with Anger and the Blame Game.    If I feel lonely, not loved and rejected I will lash out at the  person that I believe is rejecting me in anger.   I will blame them for the feelings of loneliness.  My need to be loved and liked or accepted makes me very vulnerable and so I put on my armor, blame the other person, shout in anger, and go back to feeling unloved and lonely. 
WE grow up blaming “other” from earliest childhood.   He hurt me, he won’t let me play .  WE get so frozen in our beliefs that “others” are to blame that we are unable and unwilling to accept that when we accuse the other of unfairness, hurtful behaviors we are in fact also doing those same behaviors. 
Yes it is very hard to stop and ask ourselves every time we want to lash out at another, is that the way I am?   Am I jealous, critical, harsh, mean spirited?   It is a rare person who can answer that they do not project their own attitudes onto others and then blame them for their anger and misery.    
I believe that self awareness is a lifetime work.    Learning to identify your projections and then the hard work of owning them takes a long time and the help of a professional.    In my opinion, we cannot see our own backside and it takes courage to look at the dark side of ourselves and then own that darkness.    When we finally do get comfortable with the fact that we are both wonderful and awful, angel and bitch, then the journey starts to get very exciting.     
More at another time.     

Sexual Harassment ??

I have read the EEOC policy on sexual harassment and frankly find the law has many grey areas. For instance:feeling uncomfortable”, affecting the ability to continue work, etc. The policy seems really clear on two things: Whether or not the behaviour or request is a requirement to continue employment, affects salary and or/status on the job. Quid pro quo.

The 2nd requirement is whether or not there is a hostile, abusive or intimidating work environment. Again how one determines if the behavior is hostile, etc. is very subjective.

What does intimidating mean in this context? That would seem to fall into Quid pro quo.

If the person who believes they are being harassed feels intimidated, specific behaviors need to be given that lead to a concrete effect; i.e. losing a job, salary issues. IMO take the subjective out of the scenario as much as possible.

Our society seems determined to allow this grey area to continue and as a result we have complaints against officials at all levels that are based how the complainant feels. Careers are at stake, especially with public figures who get lots of publicity as a result. The complainant going on public media to discuss their feelings seems to give the complainant the” upper hand “over the person accused of doing the harassing. Should this be allowed before an investigation?

I abhor the judging a person before appropriate investigations are done and the outcome made available to the person charged with the harassment. I thought our system of law and order was based on a “fair trial, investigation, etc”

I would like to see more specific rules, to determine what is harassment and what is not. Words such as Hostility, abusive, intimidating are umbrella terms that have many meanings. The complainant imo should not be allowed to take complaint to the public media until after the investigation . In a perfect world politicians would stay out of the public discussion until after an investigation is completed. Not much chance that will happen so we just have to turn off the tv, etc. and attempt to not let the politicians influence our individual thinking.

I have been a liberal democrat for most of my adult life. I am ashamed of some of our democratic leaders. I had the same view when they played “more righteous than thou” in the Al Franken incident some years ago He was not even allowed an investigation.

For those of you who read this and who are the “silent majority”, please write your representatives, senators and make your thoughts known on this subject.

I have rambled. I find this entire trend since the “Me Too” movement very damaging to our society and certainly to male and female relationships. I was active in the Women’s movement some years ago and this is certainly not what we expected of the rights that women now have. WE have little or no control over other people’s behaviors. WE have lots of control over our own .



Cut your screen time, save money.

Just spent about 2 hours on the phone with our tv provider and our internet/phone provider. Was able to cut the monthly cost by about $25.00 per month. The phone/internet had increased by about $35 per month due to a 2 yr. promotion that expired. So,,, had to do something. WE also have a separate bill for cell phones. Use very little data but need the phones in case of emergency when we are going different directions. So we are still spending close to $200 per month on all the above. For two people who are not working, stay at home most of the time due to Covid this seems exhorbitant.

AS a senior I honestly don’t know how people manage all these expenses. I look at families with small children, teens, and both parents using devices and wonder about how they can afford. There seems to be lots of addiction among the younger set, very disturbing to know they are spending more time on their phones than having conversations with their family or real people. Someone in the corporate world of tech is certainly getting rich while those of us at the lower end are having to cut the use.

For my husband and I deleting some of these expenses feels right. Our brains need stimuli but not from a computer or phone screen. Interaction with people is far more important. WE also of course live on a budget so have to watch carefully when the extraneous costs start to climb. So, we read more, go to the library when it is open after Covid, and try to interact as much as possible with other human beings – in person!



Managing Covid

Well what an exciting time. Politics is crazy, government is a shambles, daily people become more rude and less caring about their neighbors. I won’t linger on the wearing of masks, not going out in crowds, or traveling when the CDC or other health care agencies request that you stay home. You’ve heard enough, you either believe in being careful or you don’t. If you are a senior citizen, for sure you are not going to change your mind and/or your habits at this stage of life.

I believe that my Intelligence quotient has decreased by several points since the Spring of 2020. First there was the stay at home order and with that the inability to go out to restaurants, or any kind of social event. Our meeting places were closed and all the usual activities that we do on a regular basis stopped. So, how do we survive the lack of stimulation. We, my husband and I, senior citizens, past 80 yrs of age, walk, use the exercise machine, have gone on a diet as we also eat more (love those snacks) and of course watch way too much television. I cannot tell you how tired we are of all the political discourse, the preaching of the various news media sites and their proponents. We mostly stick to PBS or the BBC news stations. When we watch the cable news I am reminded of the days as a child when I had to sit and listen to the Preacher on Sundays go on and on and on……. I longed for a short sermon which was rare. Then I remember that cable news is not about news really, but more about being the star and keeping ratings high.

Netflix, and various other television networks have offered many movies and tv programs. I have come to realize that most of the movies I think I would like to watch turn out to be more pornagraphic than I am comfortable with. Always thought that if I wanted to watch mating and reproduction I would just go to the zoo. Also brings to mind the question of the Womens Liberation movement and those attempts to raise awareness of women being used as sexual objects. So, now those same women allow themselves to be the “star” of movies or television series where they are used as such. and or support women as sexual objects by continuing to watch the above mentioned. Have to assume that the term “women as sexual objects”is now considered out of date, old fashioned, etc. I have no quarrel with what people do in their private lives, however, would appreciate having an “X” rated system so we can choose before we get half way thru a movie or tv show. I certainly prefer not to see “bump and grind” in the tv ads.

Zoom has been a life savior. Art lessons, spanish lesson, occasional zoom time with our family. Not enough family connection . Our family like most, has some who are good about staying in touch and others who are not. Different personalities. We both feel a certain amount of loneliness, mostly missing children and grandchildren and of course the awareness that our lives are very short at this stage. The closer to death we come the more I’m aware of missing the family, children and grandchildren. For them, not having that awareness, they are still young enough that they assume they will live forever . For some I believe that Covid has brought to the fore the certainty that we are all going to die, that life is temporary and that old age is only one factor in when we leave this earth. Perhaps that is a plus of Covid.

Other pluses of Covid; forcing us to look inside. So much time is spent during normal times in activity and outside influences that we don’t take the time to go inward. I pay more attention to my dreams, to my body and health, and to the sanctity of life.

I have hope that after Covid and after some of the angst of the politics of recent weeks has settled that we will return to a less coursened society. All I can do is start on myself. Trying to monitor my anger and discouragement at a society that I feel has gone off track, attempting to hold to the belief that “it takes a long time to turn a ship around”.

On that note I will sign off. I am managing covid by writing and keeping the little grey cells alive and jumping.



Consequences for Children

2020, reposted. Have to say I still hold to the same beliefs re. children, families, parenting . Now a great grandmother.

Senior thoughts

After spending the past weekend  with my children  and  five  grandchildren  from ages four – fourteen , and listening to the parents talk of the usual problems of raising children; i.e., homework, chores not done, rooms not clean, little or no appreciation for the effort the parents are putting into raising them I was left with the  question as to how and why these problems seem to be more serious and more  prevalent than when I was growing up.       The first thought that comes to mind is that everyone is so….. busy.    Both parents work, there are a ton of extra curricular activities, i.e., ball games, dance lessons, music lessons and of course the HOMEWORK.   Have the expectations changed?    I compare this to my own childhood and teen years.  My mother was a single mom, worked sometimes two shifts as a nurse to pay the bills and my brother…

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Sawdust Festival, Laguna Beach, Calif.

Not much has changed since I first wrote this in 2018. We do carry both sets of keys and also have one hidden at home. 🙂

Senior thoughts


The Sawdust Festival
A wonderful day spent at the Sawdust Festival in Laguna Beach, California.  The temps in the mid seventies, a breeze blowing, wonderful art and artists, hotdogs and tacoes AND my son the musician playing jazz on the main stage.   See http://www.DaveVictorino.com.      
After several hours wandering around the art exhibits, listening to the wonderful music and talking with friends we decided to call it a day.    
As we were leaving the Festival my husband remarked that he could not find his car keys.    I had left my keys at home as they are heavy and figured we didn’t need both sets.    Well, Wrong!   We retraced our steps thru the Festival, the food stands, the lost and found and no luck.   After much discussion we decided to return to the parking lot where we had left the car, hoping we…

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Seniors Living with Children

2020 – A bit more at ease with being 83 years, letting go of things that no longer matter. Fear of death not so much, the process of dying. Well that’s another matter. 🙂

Senior thoughts

I sit and listen to a new friend, age 82, who talks about why she relocated to this community to live with her daughter.    She also has a son and made the decision about one year ago that it was better to live with her daughter.   The daughter is single the son is married.   She did not feel comfortable living with the son and his wife.    A bit of tension there as she described it.
Lots has been said about the wisdom or not so wise decisions of living with your children when you are old.     Bottom line it comes down to wanting to be with someone you trust when you become infirm, unable to drive, the little grey cells don’t click as fast as they used to and the fear of being with strangers when you get to the stage where you are totally dependent on…

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