Now the children are on their way out of the nest and unfortunately in our present society most young adults feel that the parents should continue to treat them as No. 1.Since their parents have rarely insisted that the entire family is as important as any one single member, the children have not been exposed to actual sharing either financially or emotionally.
For the parents the learning to say “no” or to admit that they cannot afford everything materially that the children want at this stage is very difficult. Their awareness of each other and of their own need to be important in the family has been on the back burner for many years..
When the marriage partners start to feel they are no longer No. 1 to their spouse and the children no longer think of their parents as No. 1 the feeling state that brought about the marriage in the first place has now been replaced with one of “Is this all there is”?
Switching gears at mid life is difficult to say the least. One has to rethink everything you have built your life on.
Major questions have to be asked of self and partners:
What is my life all about? Would another partner make a difference? How important are the children – should I sacrifice my well being and happiness for their comfort? Is this a marital problem or MY problem? How important is fidelity? Can I be a self actualized individual and be married?
For those who decide to stay in the marriage the shifting of who is important in the family has to take precedence. There are no quick fixes and most likely professional help will be necessary.
For those who decide to leave the
marriage there will be upheaval financially and emotionally of all the family members.
“So they were married – to be the more together –
And found they were never again so much together
Divided by the morning coffee.
By the evening paper.
By children and tradesmen’s bills.”
Louis MacNeice,Plant and Phantom
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