Mrs. Fix It

Mrs. Fix It.

There are things that keep us all awake at night.    For me they usually fall into the “fix it for others” category.    Somewhere along the way in my life I became the fix it person and I  attached to that label as a way of presenting myself.     Ego, of course, nothing makes one (me) feel better than to know that I have resolved a problem for another.   At 78 years of age of course I know I can’t “fix it” for all the various problems and things that happen to my family and the people I care about.   At one time I was an active psychotherapist (before retirement).   Looking back I can now see that working absorbed a lot of the need I have to stay active in life and the things that make me active are resolving problems. . 
I opt out of all things political as I really don’t believe that I have much or any control over wars, presidents, financial markets and or who is in power at the present time.     I have no need to fix death and dying.   I do occasionally get caught up in attempting to “help” others when they are stuck in health related issues.    I’m pretty good about checking myself even on that one.  If its a family member and I’m concerned about their health I will say so and maybe suggest something, however, generally I’m accepting of the fact that we all get old, age and eventually die.   Don’t like that fact necessarily but accept it is out of my hands.  
The stuckness now is with my family; particularly  grandchildren.   I observe children or grandchildren doing things that I feel are destructive and frequently have to bite my tongue since it is not my place nor does it sit well with parents to say what I think.     It is so hard for me to sit back and allow a grandchild to do things or be involved in things that I believe are to their detriment.   I usually do eventually say to the child or perhaps the parent what I think, however, it almost all the cases it is not well received and is  seen as interfering.  All the  speaking my mind does is allow me to express myself which of course has some value.    I work hard at believing that I have a right to say what I feel and then of course have to deal with the “not sleeping” as a result, worrying instead whether or not someone I love will be angry or hurt as a result of my words.l   
I’m sure, despite the sleepless nights and the worry that I will continue to speak my mind, probably offend and occasionally hurt those I love.    Every time this dilemma occurs in my life I always have the problem of which is more important: my need to say what I feel and think or not to say anything and preserve the status quo in the family.     I would say in about 90% of the cases I say what I think and then of course have to take the consequences.   
We can’t expect that the people we love will love us as much in return, especially children and grandchildren.    To be an individual, say what you think and feel, seems necessary to stay alive.   When I swallow what I think and feel I feel dead and of course those around me have no idea what I think so the “knowing” me lessens.    
So, on my gravestone will probably be something like “No sieve between her brain and her tongue”, or” I yam what I yam”  🙂

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